Looking up

So glad I'll be finally going home at the weekend!

Moving back home from university is not something I ever anticipated really. But having the support from my family is going to be sooo much better for me. I'm not going to be hiding under my duvets watching The Walking Dead, not leaving my room until 4pm, eating pot noodles at 1am. As much as I enjoy that lifestyle in a way, it's going to be a lot more productive working and paying my way, and a lot better having my mother doing my laundry.

It's going to be so sad leaving my housemates though. Living with complete strangers is so strange because after one week of living with them you feel like you've known them for years. It's mad. They're my little uni family  and it's crazy to think I will pretty much never see them again!

 

Long distance relationships

So I'm 76 miles/ two hours away from the love of my life. We're both at uni so don't have much money to travel a lot. This means we don't get to see each other a great deal. Of course it is difficult- being away from your other half is sad, whether you're only a few hours away or on the other side of the world. But people do it. I'm going to look at both sides of having a long distance relationship.
I'll start with the cons, in no particular order.

1. When nights are cold
   This will apply mainly to students. Student houses tend to be cold, mine is practically inhabitable. There's nothing better than cosying up to your loved one on a winter's night. Watching a film on the settee is so much nicer when you're in someone's arms all snug. So is lying in bed without freezing up, because two body heats are better than one. Waking up on a freezing cold morning always seems easier when you have someone to wake up to and have a morning cuddle with. Without this, it can make the winter so much more miserable.
2. Personal jokes
   Without them, you can't enjoy your personal jokes, movie quotes, general stupid stuff. You can't run home and tell them something that happened that day which you know you would both sit and laugh about. You'd have to try and explain over the phone which really doesn't have the same effect. Which brings me on to my next point...
3. Communication
   Communication is key. And if your communication skills are not on point...the relationship could prove to be difficult. You need to text, call, FaceTime, etc, a lot more than you would if you were in the same city. Because obviously you can't see each other so you have to make up  for it with the use of the kissing face emoji and having the "no, I love you more" conversation at the end of every phone call. Well maybe not exactly because we aren't eleven, but you get what I mean.
4. Attention
   This is the biggest issue for me. I'm like a dog, I want attention allllll the time. I want to cuddle, be told I'm pretty, maybe a light slap on the bum while I'm making a cup of tea, that kind of thing. But obviously without my boyfriend, I can't have this, and it simply makes me sad. This kind of interlinks with number 3. If I don't get a text back I will think you hate speaking to me and are having a fabulous time without me. I AM NEEDY AND NEED ATTENTION OKAY.
5. Sexual FrustrationOf course there is the most obvious con of all: no hanky panky. Sex is such an important thing for a couple. It connects two people and expresses their emotions for one another, yada yada yada...  It relieves stress, and feels frickin great. Being without sex for weeks or months can leave you feeling down, stressed and unloved. And when you don't have your parter to relieve that sexual frustration out on, it gets difficult. Yes we can get off alone, but it's just not the same. And I mean there is also sexting and whatnot but for me, that deserves a whole other paragraph.
6. Long distance sexual communicationWhich basically to me translates as "Cringing Hell". Most people would probably disagree with this but for me, this is a nightmare. Sending photos posing in sexy lingerie is probably the easiest to deal with but I can never take serious photo. You can't really wap out the peace signs or do a duck pout when taking these kind of photos. You have to think you're sexy. No. I can't.
   Then there's phone sex which I just find peculiar. It would be off the cards for me anyway. If my housemates heard me I would never hear the end of it.
   Sexting. It has it's own blended word. I'm just waiting for the day that you can type that word and it is not standing on a little red line. How the hell does one sext??? What kind of words are appropriate? I've read snippets of 50 Shades of Grey and if I made my sexts to sound like that my boyfriend would laugh his head off.
   This may just be me being awkward and British, but with the length of the paragraph it seems to be a real issue.
7. Support
   Without your other half you lack the support and encouragement you would normally have. Especially when you're having a bad day. They know you. And they know how to make you smile when you need it. I miss someone knowing that when I'm sad or ill, that is when I take sugar in my tea. It's important to have someone tell you "If Britney got through 2007, you can make it through today". I have my housemates, who are very supportive, but it really does make it easier having the one you love helping you along your way.
8. Lonelyyyy, I'm Mr Lonelyyyy
   The general lonely feeling is just crap. This is really all of the points above combined.The shitty feeling of just knowing they aren't around is shitty.

However, there are things which make long distance not so bad after all.

1. The wait
   The anticipation and excitement you get when you're counting down the days until you hop on the train or plane and finally get to see the love of your life. The butterflies in your belly filling you with nostalgia as it takes you back to your early teens. Imagining seeing their face at the station, running up to them and being entangled in each other's arms as if you are in a movie.
2. When the wait is over
   Seeing each other for the first time in a while is amazing. You miss every single thing about them and when you see them you appreciate it so much more. Even their annoying habits don't annoy you because you've actually missed them.
3. Touching
   Not the kind of touching you do on the back of a coach on a school trip...(I hope that's not just me) because I am leaving that for my next point. Just being able to cuddle into them, hold their hand, even stupid things like a little shove when they take the mick out of you. All of the little things you can't do over the phone, like finally being able to have a little slap of them when you're making a cup of tea.
4. Touching
   Yes, now it's that kind of touching. But really it's more than that isn't it. After so long being that close and connected to the person you love is just so special. It means that much more. When you have been apart for so long it just can't wait and you can tell how much you've missed each other. Magical. There are no more words to describe it.
5. Small gestures mean a lot
   Receiving a cute texts, or letter, or gift. It means so much when you're so far apart. A little random phone call telling you they love you and how much they miss you, it can make your week. It's the fact of how much you appreciate these things.
6. You don't get fed up
   Normally, when you spend day in, day out with someone, you will eventually get a bit pissed off with them. But when you haven't seen your partner in so long, you can spend every waking moment with them for ages, without getting tired or annoyed with them. You don't even want to go to sleep because you want seriously want to spend every waking moment wit them.
7. It makes you stronger
   If you can make it through a long distance relationship, there's probably not a lot you can't make it through. Being able to be apart from your loved one really tests your relationship, but when you realise you can actually do it and remain a strong unit, it is a brilliant feeling. It shows that if neither of you back out, run away because it's "too hard", you really do love each other and will not let distance stand in the way. If you're a team, you can do anything.
8. It makes you really appreciate them
   When you visit each other, or once your relationship is no longer long distance, you really appreciate everything they do. Even the little things you would normally take for granted. I know that after being in along distance relationship, once uni is over, I will appreciate the things I couldn't have before, so much more.
   
   Aw, it's made me realise how in love I am so have some photos

Venting

I haven't written anything in a while as I have been trying to get my head together.

As I have said before, I have realised that this particular course at this particular university is not for me and I want to change. I already have an offer for September for a different course at a different uni, but I feel stranded with barely any options. I know there's not going to be a ton of options as it isn't really the norm to back out uni after one semester but I was hoping there was something I could do.

After speaking with Student Welfare, I have ruled out staying at uni and just dealing with it, as it is no good for my mental health. My options are as follows:

• Try to advertise the room in my house and move back home and start working
• Quit uni, stay living here and find a job

But my house is a bus ride and a pretty lousy walk away from the university and town centre. Plus it's the second semester. Anyone wanting a house will have one by now. I also will have to stay at uni and wait for someone to take an interest...and I have no idea how long that will be. It probably won't happen.

So basically my options are as follows:

• Quit uni, stay living here and find a job

Seems simple enough. But the lack of support from my parents is making it ten times harder to think straight and feel confident that this is the right thing to do. My parents are supportive. They've done so much for me and have always encouraged me to do well and be independent. But that's at times when I don't really need it. I've never had any tough decisions to make. I've never had any tricky situations that I need to figure out. The one time when I really need their support, they are talking me out of everything I want to do. Not only am I at the other side of the country, I am stuck doing something I resent which is driving my passion for learning away, I have barely anyone I know and this is the time I really need them to be there. I don't want advice, I just want them to tell me it will be okay.

I'm going to be 20 this year for Christ's sake. If I'm old enough to sign contracts for houses and stuff, surely I'm old enough to make my own decisions of what is best for me.

When putting this into perspective, it seems silly, really. It's what...five months of my life? Whether I'm staying at uni for the rest of this year or working...it is five months of my life, why does it matter?

Anyway I'll be busy sorting my life out (hiding under my duvets) for a while so I'll be back soon

JP x

Family

Today I feel really appreciative of my family.
Until I moved away to university, I never understood how much I need them and how much I miss them. Even if I still don't particularly show it now, I really do actually need them. Not for anything in particular, I can do my own laundry, cleaning, shopping and cooking. I just find comfort in knowing they're around. When I'm at uni I know that if something were to happen, if I were to get upset for any reason, the closest I can get is a patchy phone call (the signal at uni is horrendous), other than that it's a three hour train journey.

I'm going to be 20 this year and I never thought at this age I would enjoy being around my parents this much. I guess it changes doesn't it. When you're young you need them to survive, when you're a teenager you still need them to survive but don't necessarily enjoy being in their company, but then as you get older you really do appreciate them. It's nice.

JP x

My hometown

Hull has taken the brunt of a lot of abuse, such as being voted the worst place to live in 2005, having highest unemployment rate in 2011 and being given a great deal of stick about it, not to mention the ridiculous representations of the inhabitants of Hull in documentaries such as "Benefits Britain". The mention of available cheap housing in Hull on Eastenders gave me a chuckle and a shake of the head. But even before Hull received the title "City of Culture 2017" I have loved living in this city (I say city even though going into the city centre translates as "going into town" in the Hull dialect).

No, I wouldn't say Hull is a city of opportunity by a long shot, but I would say that in my personal viewpoint it has been a great place to have been brought up in. Firstly, being from this renowned "rundown" city I do not feel as though I've had a sheltered life. I wasn't raised on the streets, I've never been involved in crime, my parents work and I've never thought "I could make it by going on sixteen and pregnant or Jeremy Kyle", BUT I feel as though I've seen enough of the negative aspects of Hull to have acquired a bit of a tougher shell than these Made In Chelsea toffs, which makes me feel a lot more prepared for my future.

There is more to do in Hull than may meet the eye. I've heard some people say "all Hull has is The Deep". The Deep is one of the best aquariums for miles, it is more magnificent when you realise it's in such a negatively portrayed city! We have the museums: The Maratime Museum; Wilberforce Museum; The Transport Museum...Need I list them all? Hull is in fact a fantastic day out if you really make the most of it. I'm starting to feel like I'm writing a tourist brochure...I'm not. I'd be great at it if I did though.
But these are the main characteristics that get easily overlooked when stereotyping the city. Maybe because the majority of people living in the city tend not to partake in tourist activities. They should. Maybe they will learn a thing or two.

The Deep illuminated during the evening. Photo from www.martinbignell.co.uk

Most people who work in the city centre walk by buildings hundreds of times without actually noticing them. At ground level some of them are standard shops, but if these people on their way to work would just tilt their heads up an inch or two they would notice some beautiful, forgotten, historical buildings. It's pretty sad that things lose their beauty and significance if you see them every day. I hope that's not the case when I'm married...

Hull's Maratime Museum. Photo from www.docbrown.info

Trinity House. Photo from www.docbrown.info

The idea of being from Hull unites everyone. The same way in which you really appreciate it when you meet someone from the same county when you're on holiday. One of the reasons, I think, is the dialect (something I have researched into and will post more about in the future). The Hull dialect is like the city's own little language. Although that is essentially what a dialect is, it is like no other. The accent and dialect is so unique, if you find someone who knows what a "croggy down tenfoot" is when you're outside of Hull, it's like finding a diamond in a sack of coal. Why anyone would be looking through a sack of coal is beyond me, but that's what it's like. Or like watching an old person push out their false teeth. I'm not sure why but to me it gives me the same feeling.

I love how there are so many people who are proud to be from the city I love despite the stereotypes, statistics and stories.

University

Today I am writing my personal statement for the second time.
I'm currently studying English Language and French at Chester. It sounds pleasant, yeah. Chester is a lovely place, yeah. But it's not my thing.
I feel like I'm trapped in a tiny city doing something I hate. I mean most people feel like that when they're stuck in a dead-end job in Runcorn or somewhere. I should be having the time of my life and be interested and inspired but I'm not. So what am I doing? Running away.

In all honesty I don't actually see it as running away, I see it as changing something in your life that is not making you happy, in order to be happy. And I see nothing wrong with that. My parents think otherwise. I know life is complex but I think people make it a lot more complex than it actually is. If you don't like something- change it.

So I'm sat in my living room at my family home in Yorkshire on a chair so big I can sleep on, earphones in listening to "La Belle Mixtape - The Good Life", eating garlic bread and writing about myself. Pretty content. I find it hilarious how everyone hates writing personal statements. 47 lines isn't enough to write about myself. I love writing and I love talking about myself, I'm not going to deny it. It's cringy as Hell, but I love it.

JP x

New blog

I have no idea if anyone will even see this but this is my new personal daily blog.

I kind of like the idea that I'm starting this from scratch because I can do anything and it's neat and fresh but it takes such a long time to build up a blog.

This is for myself really, it's easier than a journal, photos are so expensive to print out these days.